so i haven't been the happiest of campers this week. i've kind of been on an emotional roller coaster. i know it's kind of typical of me, but it's been a bit worse these past few days. there are times that i just lose hope and perspective. it's been a constant battle for me lately to really know that Heavenly Father loves and cares for me. i've lost trust in His plan and feel that things in my life will never change. i haven't felt like i'm worth it, to have Heavenly Father bless me or that i'm not worthy of the atonement... and just when i'd have a glimmer of hope, i'd shut myself down with my self sabotaging habits of negative self talk, feeling abandoned and alone because i close myself off from everyone, and trying to fill the void with chocolate chips, sudoku, tv, and whatever else i can get my hands on.
yes, the past few days have been rough and i thought it was only because i've lost my best friend which is totally not fun. but really the roughness is all about the choices i'm making and my testimony. don't worry, i know the church is true and such an incredible strength to me and truly gives me direction in my life (even though i feel like i'm just wandering at times). and i'm not doing drugs or going off the deep end in anyway so no worries there either. but apparently my testimony and relationship with my Father in Heaven and Savior is a little shaky right now. i know it's pretty pathetic considering They are IT... the reason and foundation for everything!
i just have these feelings of inadequacy that i'm just not worthy or good enough. like, i'm not doing this right or reading my scriptures enough or motivated to prepare my lesson or just doing the same stupid things over and over again, so why would Heavenly Father want to give me blessings when i'm not worthy or holding up my end of the bargain. i keep making the same mistakes and nothing is changing in my life, so i'm not worthy of the atonement and can't give my burdens and mistakes to my Savior because it's just going to keep happening... and so on and so forth. it is definitely a slippery slop for me, until i have these great AHA moments (or as Gru would say in Despicable Me... lightbulb!)
what makes the atonement and the love of God so real, eternal, incredible, incomprehensible, awesome, mind-boggling, complex yet simple, everlasting, overwhelming, amazing, miraculous, remarkable, and simply wonderful... is that it is for everyone, ALL-encompassing, ALL-powerful. my Father in Heaven loves me no matter what, more than i will ever know. He knows what's going on in my life and trusts me to make decisions and needs me to trust in Him and know that everything will work out and yes, things will change. i don't have to be worthy of His love, it is a given. He wants to bless me, yes, i do need to make good choices and do my part, but because of the infinite atonement of Christ, He will make up what i lack. Jesus Christ is my Savior and Redeemer. He loved me and you enough to suffer, bleed, and die for me. no matter how many times i screw up, no matter my heartache, no matter the lengths and up and downs of my emotional roller coasters, He is ready and willing to take it all from me if i will just give it up. i truly do, stand all amazed.
i guess my most important relationships are on the mend, thankfully. i guess i'm one of those "compelled to be humble" people, it seems like i have to hit the bottom before i give up my pride and get satan out of my head to make my way back to the strait and narrow. so next time i start spiraling down, please kick me in the butt and tell me to get it together and keep myself busy!
ANYWAYS, i listened to this conference talk this morning and it just hit home.
More Than Conquerors from Him That Loved Us
by Paul V. Johnson
I would throw out a bunch of quotes, but seriously, it is all so good! Enjoy!
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