I AM SORRY...
the last post was supposed to be about the great conference talk, and i totally rambled, so my apologies! no pictures and all words does not equal the most entertaining blog... good thing it's not my purpose to entertain! but i'm sorry that these past few entries have been a bit long and in depth. welcome to the innermost thoughts and emotions of lacee! i consider this my journal, so i'm sorry if it gets too much! thanks for putting up with me!
thanks for being so wonderful :)
Thursday, April 28, 2011
new favorite talk...
so i haven't been the happiest of campers this week. i've kind of been on an emotional roller coaster. i know it's kind of typical of me, but it's been a bit worse these past few days. there are times that i just lose hope and perspective. it's been a constant battle for me lately to really know that Heavenly Father loves and cares for me. i've lost trust in His plan and feel that things in my life will never change. i haven't felt like i'm worth it, to have Heavenly Father bless me or that i'm not worthy of the atonement... and just when i'd have a glimmer of hope, i'd shut myself down with my self sabotaging habits of negative self talk, feeling abandoned and alone because i close myself off from everyone, and trying to fill the void with chocolate chips, sudoku, tv, and whatever else i can get my hands on.
yes, the past few days have been rough and i thought it was only because i've lost my best friend which is totally not fun. but really the roughness is all about the choices i'm making and my testimony. don't worry, i know the church is true and such an incredible strength to me and truly gives me direction in my life (even though i feel like i'm just wandering at times). and i'm not doing drugs or going off the deep end in anyway so no worries there either. but apparently my testimony and relationship with my Father in Heaven and Savior is a little shaky right now. i know it's pretty pathetic considering They are IT... the reason and foundation for everything!
i just have these feelings of inadequacy that i'm just not worthy or good enough. like, i'm not doing this right or reading my scriptures enough or motivated to prepare my lesson or just doing the same stupid things over and over again, so why would Heavenly Father want to give me blessings when i'm not worthy or holding up my end of the bargain. i keep making the same mistakes and nothing is changing in my life, so i'm not worthy of the atonement and can't give my burdens and mistakes to my Savior because it's just going to keep happening... and so on and so forth. it is definitely a slippery slop for me, until i have these great AHA moments (or as Gru would say in Despicable Me... lightbulb!)
what makes the atonement and the love of God so real, eternal, incredible, incomprehensible, awesome, mind-boggling, complex yet simple, everlasting, overwhelming, amazing, miraculous, remarkable, and simply wonderful... is that it is for everyone, ALL-encompassing, ALL-powerful. my Father in Heaven loves me no matter what, more than i will ever know. He knows what's going on in my life and trusts me to make decisions and needs me to trust in Him and know that everything will work out and yes, things will change. i don't have to be worthy of His love, it is a given. He wants to bless me, yes, i do need to make good choices and do my part, but because of the infinite atonement of Christ, He will make up what i lack. Jesus Christ is my Savior and Redeemer. He loved me and you enough to suffer, bleed, and die for me. no matter how many times i screw up, no matter my heartache, no matter the lengths and up and downs of my emotional roller coasters, He is ready and willing to take it all from me if i will just give it up. i truly do, stand all amazed.
i guess my most important relationships are on the mend, thankfully. i guess i'm one of those "compelled to be humble" people, it seems like i have to hit the bottom before i give up my pride and get satan out of my head to make my way back to the strait and narrow. so next time i start spiraling down, please kick me in the butt and tell me to get it together and keep myself busy!
ANYWAYS, i listened to this conference talk this morning and it just hit home.
More Than Conquerors from Him That Loved Us
by Paul V. Johnson
I would throw out a bunch of quotes, but seriously, it is all so good! Enjoy!
yes, the past few days have been rough and i thought it was only because i've lost my best friend which is totally not fun. but really the roughness is all about the choices i'm making and my testimony. don't worry, i know the church is true and such an incredible strength to me and truly gives me direction in my life (even though i feel like i'm just wandering at times). and i'm not doing drugs or going off the deep end in anyway so no worries there either. but apparently my testimony and relationship with my Father in Heaven and Savior is a little shaky right now. i know it's pretty pathetic considering They are IT... the reason and foundation for everything!
i just have these feelings of inadequacy that i'm just not worthy or good enough. like, i'm not doing this right or reading my scriptures enough or motivated to prepare my lesson or just doing the same stupid things over and over again, so why would Heavenly Father want to give me blessings when i'm not worthy or holding up my end of the bargain. i keep making the same mistakes and nothing is changing in my life, so i'm not worthy of the atonement and can't give my burdens and mistakes to my Savior because it's just going to keep happening... and so on and so forth. it is definitely a slippery slop for me, until i have these great AHA moments (or as Gru would say in Despicable Me... lightbulb!)
what makes the atonement and the love of God so real, eternal, incredible, incomprehensible, awesome, mind-boggling, complex yet simple, everlasting, overwhelming, amazing, miraculous, remarkable, and simply wonderful... is that it is for everyone, ALL-encompassing, ALL-powerful. my Father in Heaven loves me no matter what, more than i will ever know. He knows what's going on in my life and trusts me to make decisions and needs me to trust in Him and know that everything will work out and yes, things will change. i don't have to be worthy of His love, it is a given. He wants to bless me, yes, i do need to make good choices and do my part, but because of the infinite atonement of Christ, He will make up what i lack. Jesus Christ is my Savior and Redeemer. He loved me and you enough to suffer, bleed, and die for me. no matter how many times i screw up, no matter my heartache, no matter the lengths and up and downs of my emotional roller coasters, He is ready and willing to take it all from me if i will just give it up. i truly do, stand all amazed.
i guess my most important relationships are on the mend, thankfully. i guess i'm one of those "compelled to be humble" people, it seems like i have to hit the bottom before i give up my pride and get satan out of my head to make my way back to the strait and narrow. so next time i start spiraling down, please kick me in the butt and tell me to get it together and keep myself busy!
ANYWAYS, i listened to this conference talk this morning and it just hit home.
More Than Conquerors from Him That Loved Us
by Paul V. Johnson
I would throw out a bunch of quotes, but seriously, it is all so good! Enjoy!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
note to self...
A. don't overestimate your running capabilities and start you half marathon training with an 8 mile run... it was really rough this morning!
2. always have a banana and water near by when attempting a "long run"
D. update your run mix!
7. remember the INCREDIBLE feeling when you finally finish a good run!
- i'm trying to get back into running shape again and there's no better way then training for a half marathon, right?! i just feel so blessed that my body is getting back to normal post-injuries... or that i just have really good pain tolerance and stock of Tylenol!
2. always have a banana and water near by when attempting a "long run"
D. update your run mix!
7. remember the INCREDIBLE feeling when you finally finish a good run!
- i'm trying to get back into running shape again and there's no better way then training for a half marathon, right?! i just feel so blessed that my body is getting back to normal post-injuries... or that i just have really good pain tolerance and stock of Tylenol!
Saturday, April 23, 2011
growing up...
i always thought growing up was just getting a job, working all of the time, paying the bills, doing your own laundry, cleaning up after yourself, waking up to the alarm, getting yourself ready, being independent and of course doing what you want whenever you want, right?! and eventually having a family and taking care of the husband and children. that's what being an adult is right?!
well i have enjoyed adulthood, for the most part, and have always looked forward to the husband and family part... and yes, i'm still looking forward to it, and know that someday it'll happen. i guess i just thought the whole finding a husband and getting married wouldn't be so hard. i mean the whole finding a guy part is taking me awhile and it's not fun being alone, but it's like i'd rather be feeling that frustration then the emptiness i'm feeling right now. i didn't realize that growing up not only comes with responsibilty but many complex emotions and experiences.
let me explain... i have been dating mr. daniel jones on and off for the past three years, and in the past few months i've felt more emotions than i ever thought possible. i'm already an emotional person, so let's throw love and heartache in the mix, right?! well, after getting back together in january and then breaking up in february, we haven't really been separated all that much. like we don't hang out or talk ALL of the time, but we do spend time together and like to show affection for each other every once in awhile ;) anyways, long story short, i got the answer and just feel that it's not right and that he's not my forever. now you'd think that with this feeling that i'd be able to move on, apparently that is a lot easier said then done. yes, daniel is just that amazing that it's been a struggle letting him go even though i know it will be ok if i do. (i hope this is making sense!)
i guess i always thought that when a man came into my life who is strong in the gospel, handsome, fun, smart, sweet, sincere, caring, adventurous, loving, handy, who communicates well and always knows what to say, gets along with everyone, who appreciates who i am, who calls me beautiful in my sweats and without any make-up on, who calls just to hear my voice, who sends me tulips and leaves me sweet notes, who loves volleyball as much as i do, who loves my family, who wants to know what i'm thinking and just spend time with me, who strives to be a worthy priesthood holder, who makes me want to be better, kisses my forehead and loves to cuddle, who tells me they love me and that they want to marry me... i thought that when i met a man with all of this amazingness that he would be the one, ya know. i thought there is only one man out there who could put up with me enough to ever treat me like that, but i'm hoping, praying, and trusting that i will be blessed with another "one" in my life.
it has definitely been an emotional roller coaster during this whole process with daniel, but after our talk last night i think we both are ready to move on. we know it's going to be difficult and weird, but it's time ya know, we're not progressing. i feel at peace with it most of the time, but i do miss him and have those doubts and wonder if i'll ever meet a man as incredible as daniel. he is truly one of a kind and has taught me so much about life, relationships, love, and has opened my eyes to so many things especially with myself. i will always love him and just hope and pray for the best for him.
long saga about crazy adulthood huh?! but yes, i guess it wouldn't be "growing" up without a little stretching and growing pains.
i hope this made sense! it's hard to put my feelings into words, so i apologize if its all jumbled and weird!
much loves...
adult lacee :)
well i have enjoyed adulthood, for the most part, and have always looked forward to the husband and family part... and yes, i'm still looking forward to it, and know that someday it'll happen. i guess i just thought the whole finding a husband and getting married wouldn't be so hard. i mean the whole finding a guy part is taking me awhile and it's not fun being alone, but it's like i'd rather be feeling that frustration then the emptiness i'm feeling right now. i didn't realize that growing up not only comes with responsibilty but many complex emotions and experiences.
let me explain... i have been dating mr. daniel jones on and off for the past three years, and in the past few months i've felt more emotions than i ever thought possible. i'm already an emotional person, so let's throw love and heartache in the mix, right?! well, after getting back together in january and then breaking up in february, we haven't really been separated all that much. like we don't hang out or talk ALL of the time, but we do spend time together and like to show affection for each other every once in awhile ;) anyways, long story short, i got the answer and just feel that it's not right and that he's not my forever. now you'd think that with this feeling that i'd be able to move on, apparently that is a lot easier said then done. yes, daniel is just that amazing that it's been a struggle letting him go even though i know it will be ok if i do. (i hope this is making sense!)
i guess i always thought that when a man came into my life who is strong in the gospel, handsome, fun, smart, sweet, sincere, caring, adventurous, loving, handy, who communicates well and always knows what to say, gets along with everyone, who appreciates who i am, who calls me beautiful in my sweats and without any make-up on, who calls just to hear my voice, who sends me tulips and leaves me sweet notes, who loves volleyball as much as i do, who loves my family, who wants to know what i'm thinking and just spend time with me, who strives to be a worthy priesthood holder, who makes me want to be better, kisses my forehead and loves to cuddle, who tells me they love me and that they want to marry me... i thought that when i met a man with all of this amazingness that he would be the one, ya know. i thought there is only one man out there who could put up with me enough to ever treat me like that, but i'm hoping, praying, and trusting that i will be blessed with another "one" in my life.
it has definitely been an emotional roller coaster during this whole process with daniel, but after our talk last night i think we both are ready to move on. we know it's going to be difficult and weird, but it's time ya know, we're not progressing. i feel at peace with it most of the time, but i do miss him and have those doubts and wonder if i'll ever meet a man as incredible as daniel. he is truly one of a kind and has taught me so much about life, relationships, love, and has opened my eyes to so many things especially with myself. i will always love him and just hope and pray for the best for him.
long saga about crazy adulthood huh?! but yes, i guess it wouldn't be "growing" up without a little stretching and growing pains.
i hope this made sense! it's hard to put my feelings into words, so i apologize if its all jumbled and weird!
much loves...
adult lacee :)
Friday, April 22, 2011
h two o...
meet my new bff... yes my grandiose water bottle. i'm trying to make simple and small changes in my physical, spiritual, mental, social and professional well-being, so i decided i needed to drink more... and i mean water not alcohol :)
the goal is to drink two of these suckers a day... that's four liters all together! it's only day two and my bladder is feeling it! this is just the first of many small and simple changes i want to make. so fill 'er up!
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