*this is an email i wrote to my dear friend bekah the other day. we were together at "girls' weekend" and she was getting the scoop about daniel. i told her about my "may madness" and how i was reading the BOM in 30 days and really trying to figure out what Heavenly Father wanted me to do especially about daniel. this is my response to her questioning... and this is more for my journaling than anything, and i gotta say it was so theraputic to write out my thoughts and feelings.
Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you! Umm where to begin… it has been a pretty emotional roller coaster for me trying to figure all of this out and what it comes down to right now is no, I’m not supposed to be with Daniel. When I put my emotional attachments aside and find that glimmer of hope, I know that it’s either not the time or I’ll find someone else, and that it is ok. The hard part has been letting those emotional attachments go because I do still miss him and think about him all of the time. I think, though, my problem isn’t knowing whether he is right for me or not, it’s having that faith, hope, and trust in Heavenly Father’s plan that everything is going to work out no matter what. And that I need to stop focusing and worrying about the future and the “what ifs” and just live each day. It’s been an emotional battle, but one that has truly strengthened me spiritually because I have had to rely on my Savior and the atonement and literally give Him these feelings of longing, confusion, and hopelessness.
I’ve seen Daniel once in the past few weeks. I was kind of expecting to get a huge feeling of “yes, I want to be with you” or “definitely not”, but instead i got the feeling that our relationship has changed and it’s not right, at least right now, and I’m ok with it. The scary thing for me now is taking that step into the dark and being single with no dates or gentlemen callers and with that comes the feeling of loneliness and hopelessness accompanied by thoughts of “will I ever find someone who loves me or treats me like he does”. Then there’s the fact that he is dating someone, and that brought a whole new array of emotions of being happy that he’s able to progress and move on, and then the hurt and longing and frustration that he found it so easy to find someone else. I’m such a girl and have way too many mixed emotions!
So yes, I’m moving forward and getting over Daniel. My trial is now having that hope and trust in Heavenly Father and in myself that I will be able to date and form new relationships and allow myself to open my heart up to someone else.
I don’t know if that all makes sense or answers your questions, but I’ve felt more at peace the last couple days about everything. I’m just forcing myself to focus on each day and not worry about the future. I’m trying to “act and not be acted upon” and working to utilize every opportunity to better myself and strengthen and form new friendships and relationships with others. There is hope in the future, my dear Bekah, and all will be ok!
so yes, it is onward and upward for me. i'm excited and nervous about what Heavenly Father has planned for me, but am putting my trust in Him. i'm taking life one day at a time and thrusting out all thoughts and worries about the future. i'm trying to "get my ducks in a row", as mom always says, and i am ok with that. i feel so blessed to have such incredible friends, and of course my mother and sister, who continue to stand by me and support me during my emotional battles. i had no idea that breaking up was this hard. again, my eyes are opened as i continue to learn from the different experiences and obstacles that are placed in front of me. i just hope i'm ready for the next one!
much loves and hope :)
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